Outside of the compulsory book or two I read in school, I am largely ignorant of much of Mark Twain’s work. That must change.

Last night, after all the work was done and the Thriller went downstairs to read, I hit the sofa and channel-surfed. I came upon the last segment of Ken Burns’s Twain biopic on PBS. I was really surprised.

We generally tend to think of Twain as a sage; an American literary papa whose humor and talent for spinning yarns enchanted the world — and I do mean the world, as he toured extensively around the globe, giving talks and reading from his novels. But what I didn’t know was the freak show of guilt and personal tragedy that made up most of his adult life.

An inventor, he spent lots of time with the likes of Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. He invested heavily in a contraption called the compositor, designed to make newsprinting more efficient. He actually staked a great deal of his wife’s personal fortune on its development, but it failed miserably, and his family lost nearly everything. It was for this reason that Twain embarked on his world speaking tour. He needed to recoup $200,000 in debts and save his beloved wife and daughters from the embarrassment personal bankruptcy would cause.

It was decided that his daughter and wife would go with him, but other daughter Susie would stay home. Susie fell ill while the others were in England, so Twain’s wife and daughter sailed home to take care of her. They were no strangers to losing a child, as they had lost a son years before. It was during that journey home that Susie died. Livvy (Twain’s wife) found out about it when she reached the States, and Twain himself was unable to attend the funeral services. Thus began the downward spiral into depression and loss.

Not long after, his wife died, which pretty much sealed the deal for him. Robbed of his soul mate and two of his children, he sank into despair and was, understandably, never the same. Never really happy again. How tragic.

I learned that his ambitious novel, A (Connecticut) Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, is an encapsulated representation of his own life. It starts out lighthearted and optimistic, and ends darkly. I must buy that today for my Nook.

It’s a fear that lives in the back of many minds, I’m sure: outliving all your loved ones. My grandmother Johnson lived to see her husband, sister, mother, father, and worst of all, all three of her sons, die. All the more reason to enjoy your family every day. Tell them you love them. Don’t lose touch.

Next week I am going to visit my cousin Glenn, who lives near Dallas. I haven’t seen him in probably 35 years. Perhaps we can talk about Mark Twain.

Happy Wegsday — now go hug your mama.

That would be us.

I’m leafing through a delightful — albeit rather snarky — book, written 15 years ago for the purpose of setting straight those of us who occasionally subscribe to (and unwittingly disseminate) erroneous information. Call it “Conventional Wisdom Takes a Hit.”

In his book, Everything You Know is Wrong (a slightly impertinent title, with the cover photo to match), Paul Kirchner delivers the real goods on dozens of longstanding “truths” in the areas of science, history, entertainment and culture. Behold a partial list:

• An airplane’s black box is black. No, it’s orange. Why make such an important piece of evidence so hard to find after a crash?
• CIA agents are globe-trotting adventurers. Actually, less than 5% are involved in covert operations. The majority spend their lives analyzing brain-numbing trivia.
• The US Constitution refers to a wall of “separation between church and state.” Nope. In fact, that phrase is nowhere to be found in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights. It was actually mentioned by Thomas Jefferson in a letter to a committee of church men, during his tenure as President of the US.
• Charles Darwin claimed that man evolved from apes. Not quite. Darwin claimed that man and apes evolved from a common ancestor, and the split in species occurred about 5 million years ago.
  
• Henry Ford invented the modern automobile. Actually, that credit goes to Germany’s Gottlieb Daimler and Karl Benz. Ford didn’t invent the assembly line, either; Ransom Olds did it in 1902. Rather, Ford’s feat was making the automobile affordable for the average citizen.
• Hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. Negative. What happens is that after death, soft tissues shrink as they dry out, exposing a bit of extra nail or hair length, which might give the illusion of growth.
• Jumping up in a falling elevator might spare you a grisly death. Nice, but the math doesn’t work. After three seconds of free fall, the elevator would reach a downward velocity of 96 feet per second. An ambitious leap might reach 14 feet per second, leaving you plummeting at 82 feet per second. You’d still be just as dead.
• (Mama) Cass Elliot choked to death on a ham sandwich. Nope. She died of a heart attack. The coroner found no substance blocking her airway.
• Mattress/pillow tags that say “Do not remove under penalty of law.” While these tags definitely exist, their message is not directed at the consumer. Rather, it applies to the retailer, and is intended for the protection of the consumer (although I’m not really sure what that means…).
• Olympic gold medals are made of gold. Negative. They’re made of gold-plated silver. The real gold is in the subsequent commercial endorsements. (Actually, I found that gold medals used to be made of gold, but they stopped that practice after 1912.)
• The Pennsylvania Dutch came from Holland. No. “Dutch” in this case is a loose translation of “Deutsch,” as in Deutschland. The “Pennsylvania Dutch” emigrated from Germany.

Some of the “corrections” I read were surprising, and there were others I’m not sure I agree with (more research needed). But an interesting diversion nonetheless. I hope your day is replete with interesting diversions.

Kitty Kelley has written another tell-all biography. This time, the lucky winner is Oprah Winfrey. Kelley has also written about the British royal family, Jackie Onassis, Nancy Reagan and others over the years, and according to this suprisingly well-documented entry at Wikipedia, has yet to be successfully nailed for libel. Her most famous unauthorized biography — His Way: the Unauthorized Biography of Frank Sinatra — prompted the Chairman to slap her with a $2M lawsuit (which he later withdrew). I read the book ten years ago, and I must say that I’m certain it was infuriating to have someone say those things about oneself and not be able to do anything about it. Where does reporting stop and slander begin?

Regardless, his lawsuit just skyrocketed the book to the top of the New York Times Bestseller List, so there went that effort. Oprah’s people are probably kicking the cat right now too, since the tattlefest debuted at the top of the Times list.

*drumming fingers, drumming fingers, drumming fingers*

I must buy it.

Interesting quote from Richard Roeper in his op-ed in the Lake County News-Sun (formerly the Waukegan News-Sun — remember, Mavis??):

Oprah isn’t offering comment on any of the claims Kelley makes in the book — but wouldn’t it be awesome if she booked Kelley as a guest? It would make the James Frey beatdown look like a love-fest.

Heh.

Happy Tubesday. It’s almost the middle of the week, yippity.