Monthly Archives: March 2008

Schmenglish II

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Hey – I gotta hurry today. Must pick up the donuts (again), so I will type until I’m out of time.

I am amazed at how many high school students crave coffee. It’s not just for the old folks anymore. My parents never allowed me to drink coffee – not fair! (Well ok…I don’t think I ever asked if I could have some, either.)

Anyway…

Gotta get this off my fingers. Everyone has a pet peeve, right? My students know at least one of mine, but I won’t mention it danglingprepositionsmakemethinkviolenthoughts here.

We need to break some bad habits as A-murricans. We need to correct our parents, who brought us up using bad English, because that’s how they were brought up, and so on and so on. So, fellow bourgeoisie, take a (grammatical) stand on the following:

  • It’s Reese’s – not “reece-y.” The guy who invented the peanut butter cup was named H.B. Reese. Rhymes with peace or niece or fleece.
  • It’s I would have baked a cake. I could have had it all. No of in sight.
  • The term is “versus.” <– It’s pronounced like it looks, and comes from the Latin vertare, which means “to turn against.”
  • Your driver license is a single item, so please don’t refer to it as plural. If you have more than one driver license, you have a pair of licenses. “Licen plates” makes no sense at all, either.
  • The word definitely contains the word finite. “Definately” is definitely incorrect.
  • The correct phrase is “all of a sudden.”
  • “I could care less” makes me want to hurt puppies. The phrase is supposed to convey a person’s lack of caring about a thing. For instance, I’ve heard people say, “Go ahead! I could care less!” Well then…that would mean that you care at least a little. If you *could* care less, you might – but you still care a bit. The correct phrase is “I couldn’t care less.” I wish I cared less about English abuse.
  • The phrase “a lot” is two words.
  • The phrase “all right” is two words.
  • There’s always the apostrophe abuse issue. If I am selling fruit on the street corner, my sign should read, Bananas, Apples and Mangos for Sale. No apostrophe. None. Not a single one.
  • Here are 5 more that make me crazy.
  • It’s too hot to go outside.

And now, friends, it is 6 a.m. Time to get ready to go to the bakery. Have a lovely Saturday.

RF, on the grammatical prowl

Do you remember…

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I found a link this morning (somewhere, can’t recall) to some advertising slogans and photos. It led me to ads from the 1960s and 70s – my Golden Era – and I got to laughing about some memories. So while this may bore those under the age of, oh, 45, it should make those of us “more mature” readers have a flashback or two:

Remember “Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific” shampoo?

70sshampoo.jpg


And how about “Sweet Honesty” perfume? (Yep, that’s Pam Dawber from Mork and Mindy, pre-rhinoplasty.)sweethonesty.jpg


But seriously, this was a huge tragedy:

croce.jpg

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I remember our mom taking Mavis & me to a matinee showing of The Magic Sword when I was like 5 years old. All I remember of the movie is a man and a woman meeting and coming together in an embrace. As the man hugs the woman, the camera zooms in on the girl’s face – which begins (through stop-motion photography, like the old werewolf films of the fifties) to change into the face of a hag. Next thing I knew, I was yelling with my hands over my ears, while crawling underneath the chair. I remember Mother trying to find me, saying “It’s all right! It’s all right!” I think we left the movie early. I can’t really recall…apparently, I’ve repressed the memory.

Finally, this is truly fantastic. As a choral director for a hundred years now, I think I can say with relative confidence that I know what it takes for a kid to sing in tune, let alone with professionalism and uncanny precision and style – at six years old. Well, friends, the Osmond Brothers embodied that. What a lucky stroke that I found them on this YouTube video, singing with the also-incomparable Andy Williams (what a voice). Marie even makes an appearance.

This is as fine and tight of a barbershop harmony as you will ever hear – and half the quartet wasn’t even 10 years old yet. Amazing. I tried to embed the video here, but the blog software doesn’t like it for some reason. So it’s here. Enjoy!

“Hate” is a strong word.

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That’s what my mother always said, and she told my sister and me to avoid using it. But I think she’ll forgive me, because let’s face it: we all hate stuff. Let me hear an amen on any of the following (or you could say, “Hey, I like #whatever” – but you’d be weird).

  1. I hate inconsiderate drivers.
  2. I hate it when people bring small children to concerts or ball games and let them run wild.
  3. I hate the reasoning: “You’re different than me and I don’t understand you, so you must be bad.”
  4. I hate it when people assume that just because someone is overweight, he or she is lazy or stupid. (I know one HECK of a lot of skinny idiots – trust me on this.)
  5. I hate always, always, always reaching into the wrong pocket for my keys.
  6. I hate American Idol for what it suggests to young people (that you can get something for nothing just because you’re cute and can sound like so-and-so).
  7. I hate forgetting stuff. Like today, when I forgot something a student needs for tonight’s rehearsal. It’s at home. Nice one.
  8. I hate all labor unions. Period. (That’s a rant all unto itself.)
  9. I hate not seeing my grandson more often.
  10. I hate it when I get into a long traffic jam, and after creeping along at 5 mph for 30 minutes, the highway suddenly opens up, and there’s no trace of there ever having been a problem. Bizarre…
  11. I hate it when people say, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget.” Well then, precious, you haven’t forgiven, because forgiving is forgetting.
  12. I hate it when people can’t be nice.
  13. I hate it that I can’t understand how friends can be horrible to each other.
  14. I hate getting my feelings hurt/hurting others’ feelings.
  15. I hate that many of my 11-year-old students openly watch R-rated movies.
  16. I hate sarcasm directed at a person. (“Sarcasm” – to have fun at someone else’s expense; usually involves direct humiliation of victim and results in the perp’s feeling superior, when in fact he/she is demonstrating an exponential level of tacky, vile, insecure, ugly behavior.)
  17. I hate Pharisees.
  18. I hate it that women who date younger men are defamed, and men who date younger women are envied.
  19. I hate it that many consider all teachers to be spoiled rotten whiny-babies who take three full months off every year, for which they are paid. That’s like saying that all ministers are pedophiles, or that all accountants are embezzlers, or that all professional athletes are dopers, or … ok, you get the idea.
  20. I hate it when I disappoint people, which makes me hate all the more my tremendous fear of failure….*gulp*

What do you hate?

Schmenglish I

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My crack-of-dawn ramblings led me to a cool quiz this morning. How well do you know the language you speak? To find out, take Encarta’s Evil Word-Twin Quiz. Of course, Yours Truly scored 100%, but that’s not because I’m fabulous. It’s because I’m geeky about that stuff. Trust me, I ain’t no Poindexter. I know when to use complement over compliment, but, for instance, don’t ask me to solve for X.

Why is the English language so ridiculously difficult? I mean, take the sentence: They’re there, over there with their belongings. ???????? What, the English founding fathers couldn’t find enough words to describe stuff? Think of how many homophones there are in silly English…

  • heir, air
  • deer, dear
  • marshal, martial

The list goes on and on and on and on. Anyway, I’ll quit to avoid another rant.

Ok, one more thing. This bugs me. People need to stop apostrophe abuse. It’s completely out of hand. More on that later….

Rat (please use apostrophes to indicate possession/contraction and NOT number) Fink

I want:

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  1. A heated driveway.
  2. Ken Burns’ Jazz on DVD.
  3. A new vehicle.
  4. This doctoral program to be over with.
  5. To pass my comprehensive exams in January.
  6. A raise.
  7. My Dinner Theatre show to be good.
  8. Someone to say, “Hey, I got your student loans covered.”
  9. Pinwheel cookies.
  10. Mo money.
  11. Time with my grandson.
  12. To take the Thriller to Vegas for a week.
  13. People to be nice, and not hold grudges.
  14. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
  15. To not see male students wearing jeans 2 sizes too big, and female students wearing shirts 2 sizes too small.
  16. To live the rest of my natural life without hearing the phrase, “baby bump.”
  17. To look 35. Forever.
  18. People to do their jobs.
  19. My paycheck to be commensurate with the work I do, rather than for how many years I’ve been on the payroll.
  20. My sister to be healthy.
  21. Gas prices to go down.
  22. To win “Singing Bee.” I could so smoke everyone on that show.
  23. My sons to be happy (fortunately, they are because they have great ladies in their lives)
  24. To have time to write another book.
  25. To meet my biological father, ask him why he left us 47 years ago, and then get out our guitars and jam.