Monthly Archives: April 2008

Here we go again

I call it Syringe Wars.

The steroid scandal that slammed full-force into professional sports has once again surfaced in the news.

This time it’s Tammy Thomas, ex-professional cyclist, convicted yesterday of lying to a grand jury about her steroid use.

She denied ever using steroids. Friends, if this is the face of a woman who never shot up male hormones, I am Christ on a pony.

I suppose that people can be born to look this way, but I’d like to see her before she began her cycling career – which, by the way, was stripped from her for life.

And she blamed the jury and the prosecutor for “destroy[ing] people’s lives.”

Nah, I’d say she made that choice all on her own.

See, what gets me is not that people shoot up steroids. Folks can (and do) put whatever they want into their bodies, for myriad reasons. What cheeses me the most is when people screw up, then blame others.

A second cheese-off is the fact that such harsh punishment is doled out to these athletes, with more to come in the future (are you paying attention, Barry and Roger?), while criminals who hurt people other than themselves get slaps on the wrist. Drug dealers go free because prisons are overcrowded. Idiots like Ray Lewis serve 12 months probation for murder. People who beat their wives and children get a finger-wagging from the judge and are told to attend some bogus class.

To me, those are the real perps.

Why aren’t we dragging people to court for smoking cigarettes? I mean, the jig is up on tobacco – it’ll kill you sure as you’re sitting there reading this. But steroids? Oh wait…we’re dealing with professional sports <<insert angel chorus and beam of light from heaven here>> , so by God that’s serious business. We have to stop doping in sports!

No. We have to stop being dopes, paying top-dollar for sporting events and making it so one individual athlete makes more in one year than the entire economies of some third-world countries.

Ok, rant over for now. I’m happy there’s Dunkin’ Donuts coffee in my house. Shame on The Thriller for turning me on to it, ‘cuz it’s like $8 a pound.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Fink out.

BF was a good guy.

I seem to be on a history/nostalgia kick this week, so why mess up a good thing…

Don’t know how I got there, but I ended up on a site that listed all the things Benjamin Franklin accomplished in his lifetime. Suffice it to say that he wasn’t just the guy who discovered electricity and invented the lightning rod. Rather, I think I’d say that he was probably the most prolific and creative thinker of his generation – maybe of all generations. People like Einstein were brilliant, but usually only in one field of endeavor. Not so with Benjo. Have a look at some of what he accomplished, as compiled in world-famous Ben Franklin actor Ralph Archbold’s site:

  • Established the first police and fire departments
  • Founded the first hospital in the US
  • Started the first circulation (lending) library
  • Invented the bifocal and swim fins (those are the coolest)
  • Designed a rocking chair that had a fan on it, whose blades would turn when the sitter rocked the chair
  • Designed the Franklin Stove, which conserved and provided more heat than the traditional fireplace
  • Invented the glass armonica, a musical instrument using water in glass bowls – Mozart and Beethoven wrote pieces of music for it
  • Started the first insurance company
  • Was instrumental in founding two colleges
  • Served as the country’s first Postmaster

But some of my favorite witty quotes were also spoken by Franklin:

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.

Do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.

Half a truth is often a great lie.

He that won’t be counseled can’t be helped.

How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.

I’m workin’ on that last one myself…

Fink out.

NNTN

Yep – every 40-something out there is going, “Hey, that sounds familiar.” It should – especially if you were an HBO subscriber back in the eighties.

Remember Not Necessarily the News? It made a college campus circuit star out of comedian Rich Hall. It’s also where Conan O’Brien cut his writing teeth – it was his first professional job. Stuart Pankin and Mitchell Laurence also got their comedy starts on NNTN.

It posed as a news show – a format that’s been copied over and over since the earliest days of Saturday Night Live. The only bad part was that you had to have a subscription to HBO to see it. Anyway, the part I always looked forward to was Rich Hall’s segment on “Sniglets,” which featured totally made-up words that had hilarious meanings.

The guy’s a literary wizard – or at least one amazing wordsmith. I was jealous of his talent to think up words out of the air. Here are a few:

Cinemuck – The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

Begathon – A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won’t have to watch commercials.

Glackett – The noisy ball inside a spray-paint can.

Cheedle – The residue left on one’s fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos.

Intaxication – Feeling of euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Prestofrigeration – The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

There are hundreds of them – more can be found here.

Interesting aside about Rich Hall. He was the model for the character “Moe” on the inane and consummately stupid piece of tripe, The Simpsons.

Hey, yall have a good day, now. I’m off to the school house.

RF

A riddle wrapped in a mystery…

…inside an enigma.

Such is the weird case of D. B. Cooper, the airline industry’s first hijacker.

It’s unthinkable nowadays to consider putting passengers on an airplane without a thorough bag-and-body check, but it was done every day with impunity until after the Cooper hijacking – and even then, it wasn’t nearly as thorough as it needed to be. I remember flying to Europe and back in 1976 without so much as a sideways glance into my luggage by anyone.

On 24 November, 1971 in Portland, Oregon, a man identified on the manifest as “Dan Cooper” boarded a Northwest Orient Airlines Boeing 727, sat in seat 18-B, and gave a note to a stewardess:

I have a bomb in my briefcase. I will use it if necessary. I want you to sit next to me. You are being hijacked.

He then instructed the girl to tell the pilot to land in Seattle, where Cooper would hold all 36 passengers hostage until Northwest Orient delivered $200,000 in unmarked $20 bills and 4 civilian-class parachutes.

Everybody complied. He got the money and the chutes, and then released all the passengers and flight crew, except for one attendant and the pilots. He ordered the men to take off and head for Reno, flying at only 10,000 feet and at minimum airspeed, which was about 196 MPH.

Shortly after they were airborne, Cooper opened the aft stairs (the long stairway underneath the plane, below the rudder), and disappeared into a thunderstorm – and into the unknown. Neither his body nor his parachute have ever been found, and his identity remains a mystery to this day.

I hate that.

Over the last 4 decades, several theories have been pitched at establishing who “Dan Cooper” was (the “D. B.” part of the name was a newspaper misprint that just stuck). None save one – the copycat hijacker Richard McCoy, Jr. – ever really panned out. And even that one is suspect. Doesn’t matter now anyway – the FBI shot him to death after he escaped from prison, where he was two years into a 45-year sentence for a 1972 hijacking.

In 1980, an 8-year-old boy on a camping trip found $5,800 in $20 bills on the banks of the Columbia River in Washington state. They were later determined to be the same bills that Cooper extorted from Northwest Orient. Last month, a bulldozer unearthed an old, tattered parachute in northern Washington. But just today, the skydiving expert who actually handed the chutes to Cooper back in ’71 said that there’s no way it was the one he gave the hijacker. Case open – again.

Creepy side-note: one of the chutes they gave Cooper was a dummy – inoperable; used only for classroom demonstration. Yikes.

Off to make the best of my sick day.

Fink out.