What am I thinking about today?

Sour Puss

That’s me today. Why? Because I can’t eat. Fie upon those who get between me and my foodstuffs.

I have to have an endoscopy (camera down the throat) and some other tests done tomorrow in Cleveland, so I am not allowed to have anything except these tasty treats:

* Water (meh, ok)
* Apple juice (no way)
* White grape juice (check)
* Gatorade (ewww)
* Popsicles (but no red, orange or purple. Banana? Gag.)
* Clear carbonated beverages (check)
* Clear chicken or beef broth (h0Rk)
* Jell-o (big bowls of lime and lemon are already made)
* Tea or coffee, no milk or sugar (check)

So that’s my fare for the day. Scrumptious, yes? I will spend the next 24 hours dreaming of grilled cheezers and strawberries and filet mignons cooked medium rare. It’s OK, actually. I think I can live off my fat reserves for one day. I think.

I cannot leave the house today because of the meds I have to take. So please, show some Fink love and post soothing, encouraging, pithy, articulate, entertaining, silly and compendious comments for me to read. Until then, I’ll be on the couch feeling sorry for myself, until Mavis gets here to take over the job.

Fink (nom nom crunchy crunchy) out.

Delightful schmaltz

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Last night I watched a compilation from the Lawrence Welk Show on PBS. I remember Mother and Dad tuning in every weekend without fail, during the 60s and 70s. Since it was my job to hate old people’s music, I dutifully turned up my nose at the ricky-ticky, corny, cloyingly sweet production numbers, and snickered at Bob Ralston’s goofy organ tunes, chock full of silly sixth chords. I immediately noticed that most of the large-group singing and the tap dancing was synched, as it would have been too demanding a sound gig to get everything balanced for broadcast in a cavernous TV studio. But I had to admit that there were some pretty fine musicians and dancers on that show. I would pay to see Arthur Duncan.

I still giggled at the drama of Joe Feeney, the Irish tenor and my dad’s favorite part of each program. Irish tenors — how shall I describe them? They are characterized by schmaltzy, emotional performances, with vocal frills like controlled cries, pulls, exaggerated portamentos and soaring falsetto. Hugely nationalistic, you can always find a song or twelve about Ireland in their repertoire.

Anyway, I’d always laughed at Joe Feeney — until I grew up. Male singers should be so fortunate to have that kind of power and control in their pipes, especially above F4.

Here’s a vid of Joe on the Welk show singing “The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi.” If you don’t want to listen to the whole thing, start at 1:11 to get to the yummy part.

Maybe it’s the Irish in me, but I adore his sound. He died of emphysema a couple of years ago (although he never smoked), but kept singing throughout the decades. You can read his obit here.

Weird that I can’t find Joe doing “That’s an Irish Lullaby” anywhere. I guess we’ll have to settle for this. HA – loved that movie.

Happy Sumday! Spending some time with BFF Kay tonight, which will be fun.

Schmenglish XI

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Here she goes again.

Why do I yammer on about the continued slaughter of our language? Not 100% sure, but I’m thinking it’s for the same reason that people rant about inconsiderate drivers, putting an empty carton of orange juice back in the fridge, not wiping one’s feet, chewing gum like a cow, cutting in line, or having 30 items at the express check-out. In other words, it’s not a life-threatening issue, like the tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico or second-hand smoke, but it’s important to me. Everybody got a cause, I guess. This is mine.

This, of course, does not mean I think I’m perfect. I’m also not indicting anyone’s character, although I know I can get a bit snarky or impatient from time to time. I don’t advocate grammar jail, either, honest. Rather, I rail for purposes of enlightenment and the Public Service Announcement regarding this specific subject. The end.

The title of the following list was my second choice, because this is a family show. Therefore:

How to Not Sound Like an Unintelligent Donkey

This is an outdated word, but lots of people still mangle it. They’re called “warmups” in gym class now, but they’re calisthenics. Don’t say “calisthetics” because it’s similar to “athletics.”
The name of the Mexican city of Tijuana contains only three syllables: tee-hwa-nah. The extra “A” sound is, well, just extra. Ti-a-juan-a.
Speaking of the extra “A,” it’s biathlon and triathlon. Just three syllables. Bi-ath-a-lon? No thanks.
“Preform” is definitely a word, but it doesn’t indicate what actors and musicians do. That would be perform.
This one drives me nuts, and I’ve heard it from super-educated people. A “pitcher” is a container from which Kool-Aid or tea is poured, or the person who throws to the batter. A photograph is a PICture, from which comes that annoying, infuriating, fingernails-down-the-chalkboard abbreviation, “pic.”
If his lungs took in too much water and he died in the lake, he drowned. No such word as “drownded.”
Honestly, it’s es-cape, not “excape.” Kind of like the ultra-bizarre “expresso/espresso” issue I recently lived through on Facebook.
If I had a dime every time somebody said “bob wire,” I could retire. As much as we may not like it, it’s barbed wire.
If something is sacred or held in reverence, it’s “hallowed,” right? “Hollow” is something that contains a cavity or large gap. All Hallows Eve is called Hallowe’en — it’s not hollow; it’s hallowed. Savvy?
Don’t be a hick — avoid saying “vee-HICKLE.”

To those who say, “Relax! It’s just English — don’t get so worked up about it!”, well….refer to the list title. Whatever gets you through the night.

Happy Saturday — I’m off to Stein’s wedding, yay!

If I live to see the Seven Wonders

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Sorry, Stevie Nicks, but what exactly does that lyric mean? You could live to be a thousand and still not see the Seven Wonders. Why? Because only one of them actually exists.

As I was clicking through the Amazing Fact Generator at Mental Floss, I came across this factoid:

Of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, 3 fell due to earthquakes, 2 due to fires, 1 probably never even existed, and only one stands today—The Pyramid of Khufu.

I thought to myself: can I even name the Seven Wonders? So I came right to Finkville and opened up a new post without looking anywhere else. In all transparency, here are my guesses:

The Great Pyramids (well obviously)
Stonehenge
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
Um, lessee…those creepy, monolithic, huge stone face thingies on Easter Island
The Sphinx?
Yikes…
Moo.

eek. I’m dumm.

So now I shall research properly, if for no other reason than to retain the distinction of being your one-stop shop for useless tripe.

The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World are:

#1. The Pyramid of Khufu. The first and largest of the pyramids at the necropolis in Giza, Egypt, this monument was erected for the pharaoh Khufu. Known as the Great Pyramid, it rises about 450 feet (having lost about 30 feet off the top over the years) and covers 13 acres. (Description courtesy CNN Destinations)

I thought the Sphinx was a separate wonder, but it’s just part of the necropolis. So I wasn’t all wrong, ja?

[But I was completely wrong about Stonehenge. If I’d read the factoid carefully, I would have noticed that it said that only one Wonder still exists. Helloooo.]

#2. The Colossus of Rhodes. It must have been a sight to behold: a 110-foot-high monster of stone columns, iron bars and bronze outer skin. It stood tall for over 60 years, until an earthquake toppled it in 224 BC. Cut Helios right down at the knees, actually. Ptolemy III offered to pay for its reconstruction, but an oracle was consulted and he advised against it.

Nothing remains of the statue today, and its original location remains the subject of debate.~

#3. The Lighthouse of Alexandria. Built with marble and mortar, this ancient wonder guided mariners to the small island of Pharos, beginning in 279 BC, depending on whom you ask. Records from Moorish travelers in the tenth century AD indicate the lighthouse stood what we would call 450 feet high.

The searchlight function was likely achieved by burning dried animal dung, which I’m sure was a delightful experience on nights when the breezes blew inland.

#4. The Mausoleum at Halicarnassos. Built by Artemisia, wife of the ruler Mausolus in what is present-day Turkey, this tomb featured gorgeous friezes and sculptures. At 143 feet high, it stood over the city of Halicarnassos for some 17 centuries, until a series of earthquakes shattered the columns and sent the whole thing crashing to the ground. By 1404 AD, only the very base of the Mausoleum was still recognizable.

In 1846, the British Museum sent archaeologist Charles Newton to search for remains of the tomb. He excavated the site and found the statues of Mausolus and Artemisia that had stood at the entrance. These figures are now on display at the British Museum.

#5. The Temple of Artemis. The gods apparently did not want this structure to stand, as it was built three times and destroyed three times. Built in 550 BC in the city of Ephesus, it stood in honor of Artemis, goddess of the hunt. Some guy named Herostratus, who wanted his fifteen minutes of fame, burned the structure to the ground in 356 BC. It was rebuilt, then destroyed again — twice.

The ruins can be seen here.

#6. The Statue of Zeus. Built at the city of Olympia in 435 BC, the statue was added to a temple in order to gussy it up a bit. Made of ivory, the gold-robe-draped Zeus had a wreath around his head, and held a figure of Nike, his messenger, in his right hand. The statue was later moved to Constantinople (modern-day Istanbul), where it was destroyed by fire in 462 AD. Of all the Wonders, it ranks third in longevity.

#7. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. This tale comes out of Baghdad, formerly the ancient city of Babylon. Many historians call it a myth. (Still, the Fink is not here to judge, but to deliver the goods.) According to legend, King Nebuchadnezzar wanted to build for his wife an amazing green retreat in the middle of the desert, so he had workers construct 400 square feet of garden, 75 feet above ground. Water from the Euphrates was carried up to irrigate the greenery — an act which almost certainly would have had a negative effect on the brick structure beneath, and therefore adds to the dubious nature of the story. At any rate, the “hanging” gardens likely did not actually hang; rather than being suspended, they were probably “overhanging” the wall edges, as depicted in the drawing. Chalk that up to faulty Greek translation.

And there you have it. I have learned something this day, having never even heard of most of these places. Now I shall commit them to memory. And on that note…

J’ever notice that you can usually only name six of the seven dwarfs before getting stumped? Or just six of the seven deadly sins? The seven seas? The seven continents? The seven Horcruxes? Or the seven colors of the rainbow without using Roy G. Biv?

~
All right, I’m hungry now. Time for breakfast — mayhap to feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and…

Happy Finkday, in thy mercy.

Rockin' the Bourgeoisie

Your friend Rat Fink fires the neurons at random