Yep, it’s time for another one. I’ve been amassing them — the little annoying errors that make me squirm.
As I’ve said before in my other Schmenglish posts, I am not nearly the grammar N**i I used to be. For good or ill, I’ve mellowed with age, like the fine, stinky cheese that I am.
Still, I believe that our character, at least in part, is defined by how we communicate using the spoken and written word. And few would argue that Americans have a big fat problem in that area, especially with regard to usage, pronunciation and spelling. Therefore, for the common good, truth, justice, and the American way, I offer the following additional caveats. Of course, the happy words are in green, and the crappy in red.
- Majorly is slang. [Not that slang is wrong, mind; I use it a lot, and I think it’s great. It just has its place.] The citizens of Paris were majorly angry with the aristocracy in 1789. Don’t put that in a music history research paper. Ask me how I know this has been done.
- Here’s one of my favorites. Being raised Baptist, I was taught to abhor any reference to the term “Xmas,” because it was “taking Christ out of Christmas.” I heard stories that went so far as to suggest it was the Romans who replaced the word “Christ” with an X. (This brings up so many bizarre linguistic incongruities, I won’t address them here, or #2 will go on all day.) Truth is, friends: relax. The “X” in “Xmas” is actually the Greek letter chi, used regularly to indicate the name of Christ — not extricate it. All is well.
- There is no “D“ in congratulations. Simply saying “congrats” to yourself will solve the problem.
- Speaking of stinky…my friend and colleague at school has a vile habit of bringing little mini-cabbages to eat for lunch. When she heats them in the microwave, the entire teacher lounge smells like sixteen cats crawled into the drop ceiling three weeks ago and died. I am not exaggerating. It is the most hideous, rotten stench I have ever had the misfortune to endure. What are the little stinkbombs she actually puts into her mouth? Brussels sprouts. Not Brussel, but rather, the city in Belgium for which they’re named. In my opinion, these agents of olfactory death should have never made the trans-Atlantic trip in the first place.
- If your name is Jill, wouldn’t it annoy you to be called “Jell?” Or if you’re a Bill, “Bell” instead? I thought so. Therefore, intelligent people, stop saying melk and pellow. It’s civically irresponsible, and if I hear you do it again, I will have to kell you.
- You can be a great person who is grateful. Any other spelling of this word grates on me.
- A koala is a marsupial — not a bear.
Had enough for one day? I thought so. Good thing too, because I’m out of time. Gotta git.
Fink out(ta here).