Yep, it’s time for another one. I’ve been amassing them — the little annoying errors that make me squirm.

As I’ve said before in my other Schmenglish posts, I am not nearly the grammar N**i I used to be. For good or ill, I’ve mellowed with age, like the fine, stinky cheese that I am.

Still, I believe that our character, at least in part, is defined by how we communicate using the spoken and written word. And few would argue that Americans have a big fat problem in that area, especially with regard to usage, pronunciation and spelling. Therefore, for the common good, truth, justice, and the American way, I offer the following additional caveats. Of course, the happy words are in green, and the crappy in red.

1. Majorly is slang. [Not that slang is wrong, mind; I use it a lot, and I think it’s great. It just has its place.] The citizens of Paris were majorly angry with the aristocracy in 1789. Don’t put that in a music history research paper. Ask me how I know this has been done.
2. Here’s one of my favorites. Being raised Baptist, I was taught to abhor any reference to the term “Xmas,” because it was “taking Christ out of Christmas.” I heard stories that went so far as to suggest it was the Romans who replaced the word “Christ” with an X. (This brings up so many bizarre linguistic incongruities, I won’t address them here, or #2 will go on all day.) Truth is, friends: relax. The “X” in “Xmas” is actually the Greek letter chi, used regularly to indicate the name of Christ — not extricate it. All is well.
3. There is no “D“ in congratulations. Simply saying “congrats” to yourself will solve the problem.
4. Speaking of stinky…my friend and colleague at school has a vile habit of bringing little mini-cabbages to eat for lunch. When she heats them in the microwave, the entire teacher lounge smells like sixteen cats crawled into the drop ceiling three weeks ago and died. I am not exaggerating. It is the most hideous, rotten stench I have ever had the misfortune to endure. What are the little stinkbombs she actually puts into her mouth? Brussels sprouts. Not Brussel, but rather, the city in Belgium for which they’re named. In my opinion, these agents of olfactory death should have never made the trans-Atlantic trip in the first place.
5. If your name is Jill, wouldn’t it annoy you to be called “Jell?” Or if you’re a Bill, “Bell” instead? I thought so. Therefore, intelligent people, stop saying melk and pellow. It’s civically irresponsible, and if I hear you do it again, I will have to kell you.
6. You can be a great person who is grateful. Any other spelling of this word grates on me.
7. A koala is a marsupial — not a bear.

Had enough for one day? I thought so. Good thing too, because I’m out of time. Gotta git.

Fink out(ta here).

I think it bears repeating. Whatever the reasons (internet shorthand habits, fewer spelling and usage tests after elementary school resulting in less attention paid to grammar, general apathy, overwhelmed teachers trying to keep up with NCLB, standardized testing that’s anything but standard), Americans continue to butcher their language.

Sometimes I want to give up the fight. Yesterday, three of my middle school students used the word “brung.” Cripes.

I’ve been told I’m too picky about grammar, that nobody cares anyway, and that my grammar peeves are probably outdated. For instance, I insist on saying “thee end” instead of “thuh end.” I hate the question, “Where is it AT?”

[I will say that I have loosened up a bit in my advancing age. Thirty-five years ago, I would have never begun a sentence with “and” or “but,” or written in a style that incorporates the occasional sentence fragment. I do both all the time now. But I digress. And I am good at digression.]

I hate it that some of my students think their poor spelling skills are funny, and that they have no trouble at all saying with a smile, “I can’t write” — followed by a shoulder shrug.

Or they say, “Hey, we’re from (insert small Ohio community here),” as if to say (sing), “Folks’re dumb where I come from — they ain’t had any learnin’…”

It makes me sad. And the problem is not limited to the nation’s youth; it knows no age, social class, or (unfortunately) level of education. Years ago, I worked as a secretary to a university official. I would secretly correct his horrible grammar and countless spelling errors as I typed his correspondence. I had a high school education; he had two graduate degrees. Go figure.

Still, I am compelled to do my part — however inconsequential — to promote safe and healthy written and oral communication in my little corner of the world. I shall press on.

Fink out.

PS – Wahoo!!!

I was sitting at my computer in the parlor last night, doing some research and getting ready to scan my final project. The Indians were on a rain delay, so I decided to keep the TV on in hopes of waiting out the storms down in Arlington, Texas.

Then I heard it.

It was a commercial for the Kirk Herbstreit High School Varsity Football Series (Herbstreit’s initial claim to fame was playing quarterback for Ohio State University back in the early 90s). The announcer said it three times:

Canton McKinley verse Cathedral

Cardinal Mooney verse Covington Catholic

Washington verse Jordan”

A (supposedly) professional TV commercial production team making this big of an error is bad enough; letting it slide through to air unedited/uncorrected is downright nasty. What am I going to do with these people?

I emailed their media person about it. She will probably come to the same conclusion as many others: I am a wackjob.

But I don’t care — it’s my party and I’ll rant if I want to. Sometimes, it’s you VERSUS the world.

F.O.

Check this out:

Someone got so annoyed with the misuse/misunderstanding of the fallacy of begging the question, he made an entire (albeit satirical) website about it, complete with printable error cards, gently reminding offenders of their bungle:

Now that is fabulous. I urge you to copy this picture and save it. The next time an anchorperson misuses the BTQ phrase on your local television or radio news (wait for it, it’ll happen), email the picture to the station.

I especially like the section called “Frequently Begged Asked Questions.” Heh. And lo and behold, he shares my disdain for the biggies:

• Could of, would of, should of
• “I could care less”
• Apostrophe abuse

And, oh bliss and joy, he also has merch.

This is going to be a good day.

Fink out.