Schmenglish VIII

Snark, snark, snark. Feelin’ kinda snarky this morning.

All right: here’s a list that makes me itchy-scratchy. Sometimes things don’t bother me regarding usage, like ending a sentence with certain prepositions (as long as it isn’t “at”). Sentence fragments. Don’t. Bug me. Usually. Unless they’re in a research paper.

I’m not the Knot-See I used to be; I’ve mellowed in my dotage. But some things do send me, darlin’. They make me want to say, Hey, c’mere. Got somethin’ for ya. *KaBLaM*

Many of the following have been mentioned in previous Schmenglish posts over the last year and a half, so 1,000 pardons (but they do bear repeating). It’s kind of my “Best Of” project. You know, the album that artists release in order to cash in twice on the same material? Well this is that, only without the cashing-in part. So, without further delay, and in random order:

Schmenglish Peeves

  1. “The Fink’s blog is better than Perez Hilton’s.” Why thank you, doll. But please don’t write that something is better then anything.
  2. You’re going to a birthday party today. Your not going anywhere.
  3. To little, to late. I can hardly type it. Is it too much to ask to remember to use the extra “o” when you write about that which is excessive or in addition to something? Or do I have to do that for you, too?
  4. Bananas. Pianos. Calculators. I will slap the pretty right off your face if you write banana’s, piano’s or calculator’s. Word.
  5. If I see another writer for a major publication (we’re talking the Times, the Post the Globe, and the place where all bad writers go to die: say something like, The company would benefit it’s investors by selling off it’s assets, I am going to punch stuff. I mean, really. It’s is a friggin’ contraction of “it is.” When will they ever learn? Where have all the flowers gone?
  6. Could of/would of. Why do I get so upset about this one? Why do I imagine myself repeatedly bopping someone on the back of the head while shouting, COULD HAVE! WOULD HAVE!with each blow? I could of daaaaaanced all niiiiight…. Honestly. Some things make me want to kick and punch and scratch and maul.
  7. “I seen her at the bank yesterday.” You would be surprised at how many educated people seen folks here or there or yonder.
  8. Who vs. that (and the “vs.” stands for versus, not “verse.” Just sayin’.). You would once again be surprised to hear things like, “Students that plan to play volleyball should meet in the gym,” or “People that text while driving are more prone to accidents.” No, luvs. People get the “who” — things get the “that.” I hate things that make me mad and people who don’t care about how stupid we appear when we can’t master our own language.

Unfortunately, that’s all I have time for this morning. Must get those tour letters done. Mavis is helping me today, bless her heart. That will likely improve my sour mood.

I should do a Part II of this list. I think I might. I probably will.

Happy Monday — shyeah right.

20 thoughts on “Schmenglish VIII

  1. Suzanne

    “4 Bananas. Pianos. I will slap the pretty right off your face if you write banana’s, piano’s. Word.”

    R thuh riters Duhch? Cuz than thay wood b kuhrect cuz thets hauw its dun hear.

    Liked your list, even learnt a thing er 2. Grammer wan’t one of my strong points in skool. Believe, it or not, spelling was, though. :)

    There’s another word usage that drives me crazy but durned if I can think of it now. Will do so when I think of it……..

    Now where did I put that dictionary at?

  2. PKPudlin

    I’m about 0.5 cm from placing a VERY LARGE reminder on my Facebook Page that the word that means the day following this one is T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W. Please note there are 2 R’s and ONLY ONE M. If I’m not mistaken, the word originated from a contraction for ‘the morrow’ (t’morrow), which in Renaissance English meant, of course, the next day.

    Even edu-ma-cated people spell that word incorrectly. These people should know better.

    Whew. I need to go take a nap now.


    1. Rat Fink Post author

      Oh yeah. That’s a biggy with me, too. And I see a lot of “tomarrow,” too, don’t you?

  3. BoomR

    I think I left the banana’s peel on the piano’s keyboard right after I connected the calculator’s AC adapter and recharged the batteries.

    ((ducking for cover))


    PS…. status report on the new Mac??

      1. BoomR

        That whole ‘s thing reminded me of an interesting writing tidbit:

        In my very first stint as a technical writer & courseware developer for Nokia, all of translation agencies with whom I worked encouraged me to avoid using possessives because they don’t translate well. Trying to translate possessives increases word count & therefore the cost to translate a user guide or training materials (I had to coordinate translations into Spanish, French, Brazilian Portuguese, Hebrew, and Russian)

        How’s that for your dose of useless trivia for the day, hmm??

        B to the oomR

        1. Rat Fink Post author

          That is crazy, man. But English is, as far as I know, the only language that uses the apostrophe to indicate possession (and, unfortunately, lots of other things). I guess translation would be tricky for them. But hey, ain’t that yer job? Make THEIR lives easier??? HA

  4. Suzanne

    I remembered the word. Is spe-she-ality a word? Isn’t it just spe-shulty? I hear lots of people saying “and the spe-she-ality of the day is…” ????

    I swear it’s spelled specialty.

  5. Ross

    Sorry, been absent for a few days. But if you’re going to do Part II on this, can I recommend one my wife has terrible trouble with? Effect vs Affect.

  6. Ross

    By the way, my in-laws, from way way way down South Texas, often say the likes of “might-could” and “might-would”, which I just can’t, can’t handle. Don’t get me wrong, I adore “Y’all” as an effective way to express the plural ‘you’, but some of these other Southern forms are just way too hideous.

    1. Rat Fink Post author

      Hey pal, nice to see you back. And I hear you about the “might-could.” My step-daughter (from Austin) jokes around and uses the phrase, “I use-ta could.” Wall-crawler.

      And believe it or not, I had “affect vs. effect” all ready to go, but ran out of time. That’s definitely on for Schmenglish VIII-A


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