Why I disrelish the felis domesticus

DISCLAIMER: I know there are exceptions to every rule. Please preface each of my reasons with a silent, mental “In many cases in the Fink’s experience…” In other words, I do not hate your cat. It ain’t personal. :-) [And Chevy, the Famous American Cat, always gets a pass. I’ve met Cocoa from a distance, and she passes muster, too.] I know that dogs have their “issues” as well, so, yeah.

Here, in as honest and fair a manner as I can convey, are the reasons I do not like cats.

  1.  They like to dig their claws into furniture, carpets, drapes, walls, and you. I know it’s supposed to be an important part of a cat’s happy life (scratching on surfaces to groom its claws, and climbing up things to feed its arboreal nature), but it doesn’t make me happy. If I want to be a pin cushion, I’ll get the needles out of my sewing kit and have at it. Ever try to pull a cat off your shoulder when it has its talons planted a quarter inch deep into your flesh? Hey, that’s fun! I’ll have one of those! Even if the cat is declawed, that fth, fth, fth motion it makes with its feet (phantom clawing) is a bit creepish to me.
  2. If I read or hear one more time that “my cat allows me to live in his house, tee hee!” I am going to bash heads. Widely known in the Fink house: ain’t nobody Mama’s boss. I adore Rousseau and spoil him rotten with love, but he will by crackie mind me, and come when he’s called. And if I’m brushing his hair or gently combing out a mat or bathing him or anything else he doesn’t particularly enjoy, he will sit still and endure it without hissing, scratching, biting or running away.
  3. The indifferent prissiness is not cute. If I wanted a pet that couldn’t care less about me, I’d get a…well…a cat.
  4. Pets need to potty outside. Ew. And don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that there is a leash law in my city to prevent dogs from running loose, and a scooper law forbidding them to poop in people’s yards, but the law does not apply to cats. They’re flippin’ Elsa, born free, and they can roam wherever they like. Fine. Then I should be able to get a rifle and shoot them at will when they use my yard like a new container of Fresh Step, or when they attempt to claw the cover off my grandsons’ sandbox. Where are the fines for cat owners? (I know this isn’t a “cat” issue, but a human one. Still.)
  5. I just prefer a dog’s nature. Rousseau is a creature of unconditional love. He wants nothing more than to please us, and that makes us love him all the more. He doesn’t need “alone time,” and he’s never unpredictable or aloof or snotty. He always wants to be petted and fussed over. I can reach down to pet him a hundred thousand times, and never once end up scratched or bleeding.

…which is why I will never own a cat, although I certainly do not begrudge my family and friends from owning one. Vive la difference!

10 thoughts on “Why I disrelish the felis domesticus

  1. Greg

    Cats seem to live in their own little world. A dog is overjoyed to welcome home its master while a cat could care less. It might raise it’s head, look at you and go right back to sleep. Another thing: food! Dog food (at least the dry stuff) doesn’t smell too bad. Dump it in a dish, add a little water and the dog chows down like a boa constrictor. Cat food on the other hand smells funny. When one opens the can, the house smells like a month-old meat counter. A cat eats when it feels like it which makes the smell permeate even further. The litter box? What’s with the automated boxes which rake the droppings into a lower container and spread a fresh layer of absorbent to the surface. My pastor has a cat who knows me, wants me to pet it but gets tired of me quickly and either runs away or goes back to sleep. If I had a pet, I’d stick with a goldfish!

    1. Rat Fink Post author

      True. I hate the smell of cat food. Well, all pet food for that matter. We pay a pretty penny for Rousseau’s food (Innova brand), but you couldn’t tell it to smell it!!

  2. Suzanne

    OMG I LOL’d at your comments. Jeeesh Finkie!!!

    If you ever get another dog don’t get a chow. They are a cat in dog’s clothing. :)


      1. Suzanne

        Oh no….chow’s are beautiful!!!! Their fluffy curly tail and blue tongue…charming!!!! I will pretend you didn’t say that….Sasha must be turning in her grave :)

  3. BoomR

    I’ve “learned to love” Cocoa, despite her exhibiting some of the characteristics that you cite. BV has also clued me in on things to look for that help me avoid oh, say, things like her sneaking up behind me and biting my leg, then rolling over & expecting me to pet her & show affection while I bleed all over the floor :D

    But I’m with you on the nature of dog vs. cat. I think this male chauvinist joke sums it up pretty well (no offense intended LOL):

    Q: What’s the difference between a dog locked in the trunk of your car, and your wife locked in the trunk of your car?
    A: The dog is happy to see you when you open the trunk!!


    1. Rat Fink Post author

      Ack! Sneaking up and biting you?!?!? And no offense taken (although you know what they say about payback, heh heh heh).


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.