Snark, snark, snark. Feelin’ kinda snarky this morning.

All right: here’s a list that makes me itchy-scratchy. Sometimes things don’t bother me regarding usage, like ending a sentence with certain prepositions (as long as it isn’t “at”). Sentence fragments. Don’t. Bug me. Usually. Unless they’re in a research paper.

I’m not the Knot-See I used to be; I’ve mellowed in my dotage. But some things do send me, darlin’. They make me want to say, Hey, c’mere. Got somethin’ for ya. *KaBLaM*

Many of the following have been mentioned in previous Schmenglish posts over the last year and a half, so 1,000 pardons (but they do bear repeating). It’s kind of my “Best Of” project. You know, the album that artists release in order to cash in twice on the same material? Well this is that, only without the cashing-in part. So, without further delay, and in random order:

Schmenglish Peeves

1. “The Fink’s blog is better than Perez Hilton’s.” Why thank you, doll. But please don’t write that something is better then anything.
2. You’re going to a birthday party today. Your not going anywhere.
3. To little, to late. I can hardly type it. Is it too much to ask to remember to use the extra “o” when you write about that which is excessive or in addition to something? Or do I have to do that for you, too?
4. Bananas. Pianos. Calculators. I will slap the pretty right off your face if you write banana’s, piano’s or calculator’s. Word.
5. If I see another writer for a major publication (we’re talking the Times, the Post,  the Globe, and the place where all bad writers go to die: ESPN.com) say something like, The company would benefit it’s investors by selling off it’s assets, I am going to punch stuff. I mean, really. It’s is a friggin’ contraction of “it is.” When will they ever learn? Where have all the flowers gone?
6. Could of/would of. Why do I get so upset about this one? Why do I imagine myself repeatedly bopping someone on the back of the head while shouting, “COULD HAVE! WOULD HAVE!” with each blow? I could of daaaaaanced all niiiiight…. Honestly. Some things make me want to kick and punch and scratch and maul.
   
7. “I seen her at the bank yesterday.” You would be surprised at how many educated people seen folks here or there or yonder.
   
8. Who vs. that (and the “vs.” stands for versus, not “verse.” Just sayin’.). You would once again be surprised to hear things like, “Students that plan to play volleyball should meet in the gym,” or “People that text while driving are more prone to accidents.” No, luvs. People get the “who” — things get the “that.” I hate things that make me mad and people who don’t care about how stupid we appear when we can’t master our own language.

Unfortunately, that’s all I have time for this morning. Must get those tour letters done. Mavis is helping me today, bless her heart. That will likely improve my sour mood.

I should do a Part II of this list. I think I might. I probably will.

Happy Monday — shyeah right.